Sandwich Artist

 Returning back to the place that you are from can have an array of emotions tied into it. Comfort: for the fact that you know your way about, Predictability: as you have a clue of what the outcome could look like and Effort: in the sense that it is the place where old memories and people come back into play. My man says that "Maybe home is your lesson, while the rest of the world is your life." I could not agree more. Being back in the place that you identify as your teenage experience can be an interesting exercise. Emotional exercise if I am being completely fair. The push ups of the heart, the drop of the stomach, the anticipation of the nervous system and the running of the mind; it is a pretty eventful circuit, if I do say so myself, leaving you breathless at the end.
 A place to deal with the demons and become victorious over your own personal scars. I remember I used to think being selfish was a purely negative thing; however, I have come to believe that if your selfishness comes from a place to make yourself a stronger more full person then you are automatically taking the rest of the civilization into consideration, as being kind to yourself will allow you the skills to be kind to others. If each of us spent a little more time doing what we wanted and allowing others to do what they want while being under the simple concept of kindness I think that things would work out just fine. Respect is treating people the way they want to be treated and being honest with what is going on. Intention creates motivation and motivation brings forth action. If you want to be loved, be love; if you want kindness, be kind and if you want to hear the truth; speak the truth. 
 Isn't communication intended to be a way for us to express who we really are and what we are seeking in the most honest of ways possible? How can you ever get what you want if you are unable to present clearly and honestly what you are looking for? It is like going to a sandwich shop and saying "I want a cheese sandwich" but really you are looking for a chicken sandwich.... how is anyone ever to know... I mean ask for your chicken sandwich, it may not come out exactly how you assumed it would, but you will get it. Instead of containing lettuce, tomato, mayo and pepper, it may have avocado, red pepper and mustard.. but it can still be beautiful. I feel if we are so stuck on a certain "look" we will miss the awesome of what is really being offered to us.. That is how I look at life.. throw your intentions out to the world and be surprised at what gifts come back to you. You know them when they arrive. I am so thankful my gift has a Scottish accent, bright eyes and curiosity that adds insight into my life. 

Sunshine on a rainy day

 The day after is an awakening time. The place where objective thoughts and realistic revelations come to play; the day when emotions have seized to be the reactionary impulse and calmness resides. I like these kinds of mornings. The mornings where I have come back to myself and allowed the uncertainty to pass by, where the excitement for the day festers and the optimism that the days  following are going to be an adventure. It just such a nice place to be. Lightness and ease is the name of the game. When the sun is shinning it does not matter if there is rain outside. Turn the rainy day into the puddle jumping ditch diving playground it can be. It is so easy to sound so hopeful when things are going right, but man it is a challenge to switch the thought process when a rough patch has hit. 
 Even the thought 'to think positively' pisses off the depressed mind. There is those moments when it feels so patronizing to try to "pretend" that things are okay, and then there is the annoyance that no one is picking up on the "fake pretend happy good mood." And the circulation of frustration continues. I feel like as individuals we are aware of what can potentially make us smile; however, there is this motivation to want to be angry.  Have you ever had that moment when you were upset and someone made you laugh and you got more pissed off?? How does that make sense... what is the need to continue to be in the heavy state of mind. Isn't the best way to deal with any friction is to be outside of it for a second and look at it from a distance... that way objectivity can remain and to take things personally does not even have to exist. And laughter dammit is the best form of medicine.. laughter is our own personal 'tap in' that produces endorphins. People spend a shit load of money on drugs and extra curricular activities for the release of these fun loving buggers, and we can get it for free... The pharmaceutical company is a smart system. Tricky, tricky!
 Fill the body, brain and heart with the good stuff and watch the magic unfold. Punch a punching bag, wrestle until you're tired, bake some cookies, enjoy an extremely colourful salad... to be fair, all those colours in one place got to do something good to the inside of you... do whatever you need to do that makes you you. Behind the clouds the sun is always shinning so lets start flying. 

Inner Workings

 When life gives you lemons paint that shit gold. The words of atmosphere. Everything is perception; perception based on previous experience, thought process, assumptions, hope and fears. It is like when you go outside first thing in the morning to discover the rain pouring down, you see a pile of dog crap in your yard and you realize you haven't put the coffee on. The day is over before it even began. On the other hand, if you pause long enough to raise your head up out of your gloomy misery you may notice that the clouds are shifting allowing the glow of the sun to break through, or that your neighbour is coming over with a doggy bag to remove that pile of crap and as you put your hand in your pocket you remember that your coffee card has been punched enough times that your next visit is a FREEBIE. Everyone loves a freebie!
 Life keeps on living even when you close the door. The movie keeps rolling even if your hands are over your eyes... and we all know that eventually we are going to peek to get a glimpse of what is going on outside of us. There is no real way of telling how things are ultimately going to play out, but at the end of the day it is going to play out. A friend of my once said it is so difficult to swim upstream, but if you let go you just flow. 
 To truly understand that "control" is a man made term, and to realize that "control" is an absolutely absurd concept,  is freedom. The freedom to accept that the only thing constant in life is change, and with change comes a lot of diversity, and with diversity comes a lot of opportunity. Opportunity to discover what we are made of, what matters and who matters. There will always be questions.. and knowing me I am going to try to uncover as many of the answers as possible... only to study and ask more questions. My man says that happiness is "peace of mind". I was blown away, as I seriously thought "peace of mind" really meant "I will give you a piece of my mind" and being under this assumption I had no problem telling myself where to go and how to get there. However, being the type of person to examine and analyze I now understand that happiness is the ability to become friends with your mind.

And did you know?? In the thesaurus a synonym for analyze is "to beat a dead horse"... Now, that is something to ponder.

Regular Occurances

 To fully comprehend the idea of "coolness" has taken me forever. I never really understood what the "in" crowd was all about, but I did get the urge to fit into it. I thought maybe it was about clothes, or music, or the way someone looked, or where people had been, maybe it was about money, or art or the ability to say what you were thinking without fubbing up the words. I was lost in the disillusion of the thought. And to be completely honest, I still don't have a fricking clue. 
 I have this compulsive need to reverberate any thought that graces my mind, an excitable energy that blows up any time something sparks my interests and this overwhelming motivation to discover. Self discovery seems to be the most significant of tasks. I have this unshakable belief that if I discover who I am, then I might have an idea of how the rest of humanity works. I figure, since I am human and there are a lot of humans out there....... there has to be a common link that we all can relate too somewhere or somehow. I feel like if I entrust myself into a variety of situations and atmospheres then I will have a template that will allow a broad understanding of what we are involved in. Needless to say, I have allowed myself to be the guinea pig of this project.
 The strange thing is that life is the guinea pig. I get the sense that we are all trying to understand on some level or another who we are, where we fit, why we feel this way, why we don't feel that way, what our purpose is and how the hell do we know if we are on the right path or not.... all the while enjoying the process. I mean seriously, we are living in a world where trees convert CO2 into oxygen, where there is enough gravity that enables us to walk about, where birds coast along the jet streams of the sky and where we can sit on a computer translating our thoughts into letters and posting them for the rest of the world to read..... and even if you are unable to understand the language that is being written there is a translator that will allow you to convert the message into one that is comprehensible to the reader. That shit is messed up.. and it is considered absolutely normal. 
 The way I look at it normalcy is a beautiful thing; and when I really think about it, whatever is "normally" going on is a complete miracle. It does not seem to matter much if we are classified as being: sexy, rich, poor, weird, awkward, wanderers, mathematicians, scientists or seekers; we are all exploring the same existence....just in a variety of colours. In reality, each and every single one of us started off in a ball sack and grew in a belly. If that's not cool I have no idea what is.

Bucket List

 Wowowowowowow.... when the opportunity presents itself and everything aligns, propelling you to take hold of the gold that is at a hands grasp away, it is BRILLIANT! Not only is there exhilaration that the moment has finally come, but also a surge of "wow, awesome, holy shit balls, I don't know how to fully process this" races through the mind. I can't believe I get to see Dave Chappelle.

The buzz

 Let's talk about being in love. That feeling that is indescribable but undeniable... you know that sensation that takes your heart, places into a safe haven and makes every moment seem so significant? I don't know what I can really say about love that has not been said before.. but I will try. For me love is that energy bursting sensation that seems to bounce in and out of my chest, that fills my thoughts with gratitude and appreciation. An honest friendship that thrives in laughter, play fighting and connectedness. It is that partner in crime that you are going to conquer the world with and surpass all personal expectations of expecting. It is the letting go and accepting the person as the person is and never waning to change them because whoever they are going to grow into is going to be magic. Obviously, there may be times of frustration, insecurity and vulnerability, but we are only human... these moments are the platforms that allow us the opportunity to get over the bullshit that may live somewhere deep inside of us.
 And trust me.. somewhere down there bullshit lives. My lord, is that shit ever annoying.... particularly annoying when, you thought, you had no real clue that it had been residing there for soooooo long; yet, when it pops it's ugly little face up you know exactly from which it came.... The moment of understanding repression and denial. "Oh, I know you... and now I have to deal with you... gross." I am under the assumption that when your mind is ready to deal with the realities of your personal misfortune the memory presents itself. So, I guess this could be considered positive as there is no way I would want to deal with that junk unprepared!
 Swimming the murkiness of the darkness can be a slow and daunting process; however, once it is done, you've done it and that is powerful. Not going to lie, the process may be scary, it may have a lot of 'feeling' involved with it but at the end of the day it can be resolved. Resilience and determination is part of our human nature, we evolve, we grow and we learn..... And by pampering ourselves with emotional band-aids full of compassion and truly forgiving ourselves while letting ourselves experience whatever emotion we need to live out is extremely freeing.
 Attaining the awareness that we are 'worth it' and that 'we are love' can sound so corny; but when we love ourselves enough and we can believe it when someone tells us the same, I  will take that corny shit any time. Especially, when I get to wake up too that amazing fun loving man of mine.

Cinema deconstruction

 Coming to personal understandings seems to never end. The ongoing 'ah ha' moments are continuously abundant and reminds me that there is no way, ever, that I am going to completely 'know' anything. I may have a vast understanding of 'it' at that particular moment, but that moment can slip between the seconds extremely fast. Almost like having a thought on the tip of your tongue... "oh oh oh I got it, I got it... nope, nope.... It's gone!" Only to resurface weeks later with the first thought that crosses my mind being: shit, why did I have to remember that now. Humbling experience I guess. Possibly it is the universes way of saying that things are not going to work out exactly the way 'we' have planned it, but it is going to work out some way or another and the answer will come... especially when you are no longer looking for it.
 Honestly, it is so amusing! I just can not get over all the random interactions, the strange song that comes on at the most convenient of times, the horn that honks just when a distraction is needed or the twinkle in that person's eye that tells me that I am crazy in the most endearing kind of way.  
 Life is only as dramatic as a person wants it to be. This is why I have always preferred comedies; shitty shit can happen in comedies too... but it is dealt with so differently.
 It could be that in a comedy it is known that by the end of the movie everything is going to work out in the best way possible that the viewer is able to relax; while in a drama who the hell knows what is going to happen. It is so intense, sporadic, jaw clenching and anxiety ridden that the viewer (particularly me) is on high alert. Intense excitement. I don't necessary feel that a drama is enjoyable excitement, but  rather a heightened excitement.. totally aware of every possible outcome that could potentially happen somewhere along the line. Then WHAM... The movie is over. My hands are sweaty, I am thankful to be alive, a little proud that I did not turn off the T.V. and an overwhelming sense of relief washes over me.
 Whereas, in a comedy there is a foreseeable playfulness and witty wisecracks which allows a constant flow of optimism to circulate  through my thoughts... while regular burst of laughter would act as remnants allowing any stresses that seemed so important and vital to fall away. All the while understanding that situations will always present themselves; it just depends if you want it dramatic or not. I for one choose comedies.. okay, maybe dramatic comedies.

 

Tolerate Uncertainty

 When it comes to having expectations I feel that disappointed is an outcome of a situation that I am not fully prepared for. Having an expectation is like a preconceived concept of 'ideally what I would like to see happen' and I go about my day thinking I have it all sorted out. Funny. Then real life happens. There are two ways it can go when being confronted with the real course of fate; First, I can accept the realities of what is going on - or - resist. To be a smooth and cool sister, I would love to say "I fully accept what comes my way and move with the ebb and flows of the day," (hahahahahaha) and for the most part I can agree with that.. but dude on those other days when my expectations were really high and boom boom boom my world crashes around me... I cave. I resist. Damn me, getting too caught up in my imagination and seeing only want I want to see rather than looking at what is actually going on.
 The only control I have in this world is my responses to a situation. To think I have any more control over anything else is absolutely silly. To be honest, we are living on a planet, floating in the universe, revolving around a hot circle of gas with shit whizzing by constantly.... and we think this is normal. It blows my mind. There is a completely different reality just outside of our earth bubble, so if I think more closely about it, there is also other individual reality's living outside of my personal bubble. Even the concept of expecting a certain outcome outside of myself seems flawed; if I can barely regulate and correspond my entire day to fit the entirety of what I want, how the hell can I even assume that I can organize another person? The craziest thing is people still try. 
 I generally believe that the intention behind what most of us do comes from a place of concern, love and hope... but it also comes from a place of fearing what would happen if we give in and let life takes it's 'natural' course. Trusting outside of ourselves can be a difficult choice, but the option is always there. 
 Say for instance I am worried about the 60 year old can collector.... I try to give him advice, tell him what to do and try to guide his decisions... really what I am saying is: How can you be satisfied with this life style, I don't think you are capable of dealing with what is going on and I have the answers that can help you. I wonder if I have even asked the guy in the first place, "Hey dude, are you alright?" or "Is there anything I can do to help you" or I could even have asked, "What have you learned about life that you want to others to know?" I mean, seriously, being alive for 60 years a person experiences a lot and I want to find out as much as I can about this existence we are living in. That is why I think comedy shows are so funny; laughing at the truth and reality of what is going on around us and making into a joke. Hilarious.

Free Flowing

 Bouncing my head, hearing live beats, witnessing the entertainers entertain while observing the inner workings of their mind is wicked. How and where did the surge of creative force come to bring those visions to a reality? A reality in which I am able to witness and move too. Does the person always have a paper and pen on hand for when the million dollar lyrics bounce into thought? Or does a person create a persona of who they would like to be? Or just speak the truth of who they are? Either way the beat is sick. It is insane when someone else's words can resonate and remind me of a person, place, thing or event. Connectedness.
 A friend of mine believes the core purpose and drive of a person is autonomy, connectedness and relatedness. I understand this concept. I question people, generate conversation, enquire about their passions and dislikes to create a picture of who the other person is in hopes to relate to them. Always hoping for an easy ride, a smooth vibe and an absorbing conversation. 
 I love new perspectives that generate a whole flow of topics of unrelated ideas that in the end make their way back to a general focal point: to a place of ..... WOW!!! I am amazed by the ability of constructing a path that even being amidst the most obscure and tangent ridden conversations there is a trail that will lead back to the original purpose.
 Creativity produces this realm. I thought to be creative you had to paint, draw, sing or write. I thought creation had to be an item that fit into some guidelines of being an artist; I have come to discover this is not necessary true. Creativity is: 'the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, 
relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, 
forms, methods and interpretations.' So all in all, I get the impression that if we become truly interested in who we are personally... allowing ourselves the opportunity to discover, uncover and enquire our deepest passion, we will be surprised on how naturally we become ourselves. I believe the more I connect to me the more I will relate to you. 
Leading me back to Music; which produces the beats that make our bodies move.

 

Sunny Scotland

 The land of rolling hills, brick roads, granite buildings and hypnotic brogues. Scotland is ACE. I never would have imagined that out of all places in the world Scotland would be the place I would constantly try to get back to. First off, the accents never seize to amaze me, "Aye, such a wee lil bonnie." Secondly, the banter is beyond belief and finally whoever calls a hug a bosie deserves one... I mean bosie, come on; the word within itself sounds so cozy!
 You can expect to be offered a cup of tea whenever you enter someone's home, whenever you wake up in the morning or as an after meal treat. A Scottish cup o' tea is the sweetest thing running but even more satisfying is when you have mastered the ability of making a fine cup - a feeling of pride is not an uncommon experience.
 Scotland has been the place where: being an outsider I automatically felt accepted, learning to laugh at myself with ease, owning my awkwardness and enjoying life for what it is. I now understand why soccer is called football, pants are called trousers and being cold is Baltic. In a land where cars are mini, roads are narrow, scarves are common place and little dogs roam... my heart felt in love.
 As an old timer Leckie once said to me, a smile strewn across his face, eyes on the Newtonhill football match:"No one is to swear, smoke or spit," all the while lighting up a cigarette, hawking a loogie and cursing the opposite team. This place is full fun loving conundrums!

Planning the Escape

   Maybe "it" shouldn't be called the escape but rather the liberation to something new. The freedom to explore new surroundings, the excitement of being in the unknown, the confusion on to whether you made the right choice or not; all the while having an overwhelming sense of anticipation that you are going to find some sort of treasure. Travelling is the best. Yes, there are moments of absolute fatigue, money counting frenzies, misplaced passports, absolute loneliness and homesickness for comfort food... but that is minimal and countered with: adventure, rapid external information of scenery, music, people and experience. At the end of the journey there is this increased awareness of how huge but small the world really is.
  This is my list of pre travel enquiries that I think encompasses what is important information to have to when planning the greatest of escapes:
1. What kind of weather do I like?
2. Do I need a visa? and how long does that visa last?
3. Create an intention and write it down
4. Plan how to get from point A to point B, but not all the details in between.
5. Set a date and start MAD SAVING
6. Research some of the language and customs
7. Get excited... people are people everywhere!
  Travel is wild, uplifting, unveiling and most of all fun. Being able to laugh with people that have a completely different upbringing, views on life, perspective and personal experience is pure knowledge and education. Being able to try food from all areas of the world has made me realize how much I love sticky rice and coconut, that mango with condensed milk over sticky rice is beautiful and that eating with my hands is one of the best things EVER. (Oh, wow... even thinking of this makes me happy.)
The only solid advice I have for travelling is: Try not to pack too much shit! You have to carry that crap on your back and at some point there may come a time when you flying elbow your backpack, absolutely irritated, with a faint memory residing in the back of your mind saying: "You did this to yourself."

Weekend Witness

Observing the life of others around me is unreal. Some people are living their lives with intense direction, some are floundering with ease, others are growing a tiny human in their bodies while others sleep the days away. There are so many paths, trails and courses that we can choose to follow that it becomes rather overwhelming sometimes to decide what direction I am meant to go. Then I think, does anyone really know? Or does a situation just present itself and then WHAM we know within ourselves while telling ourselves " I can do that, I am ready for that ride."
I figure the best way to identify what I do want in my life is to sift out what I really don't want.
A good way to go about this is to ask the older generation questions, as many questions as possible, to hopefully soak up the valuable information,knowledge and life experience. I am under the impression that this generation have been about for a good amount of time and have statistically been through some weird ass shit at some point in their lives.. so maybe, just maybe, they will have the first aid kit to help in that mind sticky situation where there is a loss of direction.
If we ask enough people a variety of questions I get the sense that we can create a pretty good foot hold that will allow the mind some stability.... however, there is always the option of being a full blown trail blazer and seeing where it takes us. I hope I land in a hammock.

Morning Medicine

   Waking up from dreams and from the thoughts of the previous day can be an interesting experience. I find it rather amusing that I can start a new day (a brand new day) with a good 30% of my mind floating 14 hours in the past. The whole concept of living moment to moment is not the easiest thing to do. And I don't fully understand why the theoretically simplest things can be the most difficult. It is like my brain says, "No, No. No.. it can't be that easy... let's work a little bit harder and add more details, because there is no way it is actually THAT simple." The strangest part of that whole process is I actually listen to my head!
Time and time again I prove to myself that the solutions are pretty straightforward:
   1. Midnight is a new day; a new start!
   2. Dancing in the morning gets me pumped
   3. Music is magic
   4. Looking in the mirror and telling myself that I am "Awesome", with a cheesy smile while giving myself the thumbs up totally makes me laugh.
And seriously; isn't being able to laugh at yourself what it is all about. If I can laugh at myself, then if other people laugh at me, I can laugh with knowingness that whatever is going on really is no big deal.

And it starts

Well hello.

The beginning of the blogging world commences: with the hope that I will be able to create an atmosphere worth reading while sharing thoughts that run smoothly. I always got marked down in school for having "run on" sentences and I have the feeling this is something that I am going to carry over from my early childhood school days. Be prepared English buffs; you may be scratching your heads in disbelief from time to time!
None-the-less, I am determined to share the valuable information that crosses my path and ignites my passion for life: The moment that makes my heart jump through my chest, or that thought  that clicks and solidifies of all those clichés that never made sense...
Life is a beautiful journey. A pain in the ass from time to time. But to quote a fellow wanderer, life is nothing less than "Wow Amazing!"