I used to think that everything I was experiencing was happening within me, that it was my reaction to a situation, or my feelings to what I saw - I now understand that what is happening around me is not always mine, or about me. I started to understand that sometimes we are sensitive to our environment and we can pick up the residue of someone else's reaction or feeling from an experience, that, ultimately, we can re-feel what has already been felt.
It has been hard for me to be okay with allowing myself space, I was concerned people would feel abandoned or rejected, so I would sit in something that was hurting me - I took on the pain of what I perceived "the" reaction would be. I felt too scared to ask the questions as I was not really prepared for the answers - or maybe I was scared the answers would hurt.
The feelings of sadness were overwhelming, behind soft smiles I would see sad eyes, through bundles of energy I would feel depletion of hope and through kind words I would feel the need of approval - there were times I would feel angry, wondering why "we", "they" or "us" didn't "know" that we were okay. I wondered why I cared so much about other people's opinions of others and of myself - I didn't understand why it hurt so much to hear the truth.
I think sometimes the truth tells us what we think the truth is but in reality it may be something we may never take the time to fully understand: lessons to freedom are not the same. What works for you may not work for me and what works for me may be completely absurd to you, but like I have heard "at the end the view is all the same." There are many paths to get to the same place and who am I to judge.
I think what I am learning now is: to really honour what I feel is my personal power and to recognize the spirit within myself, to be as honest as I can, reflect on my intentions, to see if my actions match my values and to participate in life. Be kinder to ourselves and not so hard on others.
There will be moments that we get angry, that we get offended, that we are hurt or hurt others but I think the ultimate goal is: for us to look at who we are and own it. What we see in ourselves may not be something we like; however, once we accept what we know to be real we have the power to do something about it. We all know when we are speaking shit.
