Round About Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is strength. It is a choice that a person makes to free themselves from the trapping of the suffering - the decision that healing comes with letting go. We can sit in the round about of what if's, anger, blame and righteousness forever, but what does that really do to us? Other than becoming the energy of the stories we tell ourselves of why we are right - in what I see as an effort to cover up a sense of loss.

I realized the other day, as I was panicking myself through the "crisis" of paperwork, that I instantly went to a place of  abandonment.... hahaha how and when paperwork has related to feelings abandonment? I have no idea, but there I was swimming in the vastness of worthlessness only to discover that even if I identify my fear it doesn't mean it will go away. BUT... by naming it, it does show me that I can say hi to it and that I can remind myself that I am speaking a whole lot of shit. The reality may be different than what I am thinking. Acknowledgment seems to be a powerful tool. 

We give ourselves clues about why we do what we do and why we do what we have done in the past. 

I have noticed a lot of times we are surviving, protecting ourselves from some perceived or real pain while trying to ignore the reality of our fears. I think we are all used to hearing "we got to face our fears to get over them" and to be honest I never really understood what that meant. Does that mean I have to prepare myself to stand up in the dark, keep the lights off and attack what causes me grief - which is normally my imagination. Do I begin to look at my own mind as the enemy, do I begin to look at myself as the victim in unhealthy relationships, do I start calling other people names? 

All this really seems like to me is an opportunity to cause more pain and confusion. If I start getting mad, getting even, playing tick for tat - does that make me a more balanced person? I don't really think so - it just makes a stronger opportunity to get lost in a bigger round about of paranoia, wondering when and who is going to get me next. 

If I attack my mind, it will fight back, if I attack my community, it will fight back, if I attack anyone - I am pretty sure they are going to fight back, either with bad bad vibes or strong physical retaliation. I am not too interested in being in any of those kind of situations regularly. So what to do? 

I cant say how anyone should do anything but what I think I need to do is:

1. Stand up for myself, other people, the situation when the event is occurring 
2. Be honest when someone asks my opinion 
3. Don't engage in the shit talk - don't be a hater, just because people do things differently doesn't mean either way is the "right" way 
4. remember who I am - what am I about, what are they about and what are we actually trying to do 
5. Don't force anyone to think the way I think and try not to surrender to someone else's thought process because I think it will make them feel better. All our thoughts are valid. 
6. Be kind 
7. Recharge to a higher frequency. As my Uncle says: 99.9 Love frequency baby. 

I believe that one of the best modes to move forward in life, without the heaviness of back breaking bullshit, is to forgive the forgivable and let go the attachment to prickish behaviour. It is okay to be hurt, to be angry and to cry about it - but once the feelings have been expressed move past them, understand them and continue to love for the sake of loving. Forgive ourselves for being stuck on repeat in the loop of unneeded anguish.

If you don't like the frequency your are on, recognize you are somewhere you don't want to be and be grateful you noticed - lift yourself as high as you can and be a booster to those around you, when they to realize they are somewhere they don't want to be. The more space we create the more time we have to respond. This is what I think anyway.

Masking Parade.

Masking only lasts for so long. People begin to notice and a person will get called out, someway or somehow. Funny as shit when that blank mask turns red and the colour drops from the face..... the story drains from the mouth. All this moment really does is teaches the other person that someone may be full of shit... maybe not all of the time, but when it counts. These moments reinforce the "other side" of the story without the "other one" even having to say a word or defend themselves - the proof is written all over the mask. 

Reputations seem to mean a lot to the people that are ruining theirs, but it never really has to be ruined in the first place - I guess the truth can be too hard to digest and a story needs to be created. 

Understandable, for sure - but still, the masking makes the story more dramatic and isn't that what we are usually saying we don't want. No drama. I beg to differ, the actions seem otherwise - drama is what appears to be the "missing" link, the unconscious motivational drive. Drama is creative energy, a surge of emotion, a change of tide, the unexpected, the forbidden, the painful, the surprising, the anticipation. Someone always cries, and the cry that hurts the most is the one from the unassuming victim. 

The louder and more complex the reasoning - the less we believe what is being said. The truth is simple. It may be hard to get too but it is there, and the truth can be hard to admit - no one wants to be mean. 

Well, the majority of us don't want to be thought of as the mean one, anyway. However, we seem to be okay with: doing what we need to do, to get to where we want to get too, while judging others for taking the same route we are taking. 

That is what I don't really understand - the judgement on others for what we are already doing...... oh I see.... we get upset with them as a way to punish the ugly in us. Trippy. 

The problem with all of this is, we are not looking to see the shadow in us. We all got one. Peter Pan showed generations of children to accept the shadow, to try to keep it with us and to mourn it's disconnection from us. We need that aspect of ourselves- we need to understand what is holding us back. We need to accept that the shadow may never go away completely, but with the right amount of light we can be bigger than it and we can begin to play with it. 

Accept the darkness inside of ourselves and apologize to those we hurt. Don't make ourselves out to be the victim if we are actually the conqueror.. it serves no authentic purpose, other than to satisfy our own idea of who we are and what has happened. We can all see through it, we may just not have the energy to help peel off each layer of the mask. 

All in due process, that is in the hands of the beholder.... no one can make us see something we don't want to believe is there. A piece of insight though - your side is one side to many angles and some people will see the dark side of the story far easier due to where they're sitting. Reality is made up the entirety. Be kind, be loving and be willing to listen to the hard stuff.

Everyone Else.

I get lost in trying to understand what is going on and what messages to listen too. I feel that there is an intention to the madness, but there are cycles that take over the preconceived beginnings. I see that there is a message of love, the reality of hate, the hope for community and the strive for independence. What is said is expected of everyone except by the person that is saying it. The intention may be nice, but how can we expect everyone to do something while we do the same thing we have always done? Don't mention that though, otherwise someone will get upset. 

I feel that this fear of upsetting someone, anyone, is stopping us from having the conversation. We don't want to know what our hidden biases are but it is okay to tell "them" what they are hiding from themselves. I don't get it, it doesn't make much sense to me. It is like the person walking down the street not looking up from their phone and they walk into someone, but rather than saying sorry, they shoot a glare at the person they walked into as if to say: "watch where you going".... when all I am thinking is, "they saw you, they know where they are going and what about you? Why aren't you watching where you're going?"

If community requires compromise, understanding, accommodation, observation and accountability we could start by acknowledging and accepting differences. Just because someone is different than you does not make them wrong and just because someone is different than you doesn't make you wrong. Don't do to someone what you wouldn't want done to your loved ones. 

These are my opinions and they work for me... they might not be useful to you and that is cool - figure out what works for you while respecting the souls that surround you. If you are succeeding in your project, awesome. Keep lifting people up rather than criticizing their efforts. If you want to make money, cool, make money - try not to pan it off as something else. There is nothing wrong with wanting something. 

The thing that grinds my gears, and seems to insult my insides, is when I feel what someone is saying is not matching their hearts desire - while at the same time trying to convince me of their honesty. Bullocks. Be honest - it is easier in the long run. 

Listen to what is being said and think about it from their perspective rather than the way you would mean it if you were to say it. Not everyone is you and not everyone is me and that is what makes life a mystery. Science may be able to prove all of this at some point but until then.... it is all magic baby.

Love Let Her.

To think that we have it all figured out everyday is a misconception of how life works. The only thing constant in life is change, and with change comes movement. Change does not have to be grandiose to make a big difference - we can adapt the way we speak, the way we listen, the time we take to get somewhere, the way we eat: we can modify anything slightly. The results can be huge. 

Some of us may leave a few minutes earlier than we had planned only to come across someone in our path that was needing us more than we needed to be where we were. A passing comment can change a person's day, a routine can change our entire day, and as much as we can decide to make small changes we can also decide to do the same thing as we have always done. 

They say you can choose to be involved and I agree. We can choose to give those we love a little more attentive time, we can choose to focus on the thoughts that bring us more peace and we can choose to channel the thoughts we have into any form of action - there may be a compulsion but where is that need coming from? 

I will forever be curious about the seed of life, the seed of thought and constantly wonder where they come from and where they go. 

How and why do these points get triggered in us the way that they do? My Dad has said, a trigger can be a positive thought, a positive memory or a positive experience - a trigger doesn't have to be a shitty reminder. 

The thoughts in life can be hard, habitual, comfortable, frustrating but at the same time when we regain control of ourselves these thoughts can be peaceful, reminiscent and honest. 

Just because we can find Peace doesn't mean that we wont suffer - the more we fear suffering and try to escape from it the more power it really has. Acknowledging the unwanted brings awareness to it and automatically it's power lessens... maybe not right away but over time. Whatever it is has been seen.

I think it is important to take a real look at what drives us and try to understand our motivation, lack of it, and try to identify where "it" comes from. What are we trying to prove, what are we trying to discover and what are we trying to accomplish? Then ask yourself what you are grateful for. 

I am grateful for realizing that there is no end of the line to being in love. I keep falling and cant help but smile by the surprise of how endless it is. I feel very lucky and I am thankful for the Brooks, sun and stars.

Prickly Heat

There may be days that you want to scream and tell "them" to go away (whoever they are) but the words won't come out properly. The mind can start thinking too fast and moving too quickly... worrying that whoever will hear what you have to say will lose the message of what is being said.  

Maybe the situation is a bit weird. Maybe feelings have been hurt or maybe an alternative truth needs to be shared. Maybe baby. Not a problem with you, not a problem with me – but the words may be the problem.

Thoughts, reactions and feelings buzzing around and fighting to survive in the triad of space with nowhere particular to go. Lonely hearts and happy smiles – feeling “that” feeling that is living somewhere inside of us – unaware of it's exact location - but this shit ain't hide and seek. Resurrecting it’s funny little face as if to say “hi..don’t forget about me.”

Don’t worry we can’t.

For those of us that don’t know how to liberate our darkness without being prickly. Be a prick, but be prepared for the consequences of our actions. No issue, just reality. If you need to release that energy – others may match it with the same intensity. Own it. As ugly as it may be. Integrate it all. 

Shadows hide and come out in the perfect combination of light and dark – it is not all bad. The more we hurt the hurt in us the more it believes it has no good and that's no good. That hardness protected us at some point in our lives so recognize the impact it had even if may not be useful anymore - at one point it was.

Remember words can cut, actions can hurt but both can heal. Try not to deny the asshole that lives inside of you, it will just get louder and defend it presence with blame. All of us can blame something but everyone pointing fingers everywhere will lead to fingers pointing back at us so take an honest look and ask questions. Deal with your shit and shit will get real. 

Happy is Lucky.

Happiness is a funny feeling. We may think it "should" always be there, lingering away in the back drop of some activity, in some memory or in some idea but really it is fleeting... cycling along it's path, disrupting our daily routine and injecting our experience with something beautiful. 

Happiness is a reminder that happiness exists - a reboot. The idea that we need to be happy, up, high or ecstatic all the time seems unattainable, unrealistic and kinda exhausting. 

Grateful. I understand gratefulness and appreciation of experience: but happiness, everyday all day in and out, I am just not sure if I feel it. I am okay with experiencing the diversity life has to offer. Through sadness we understand joy, through pain we place value on relief, through love we grasp that more love is needed. 

As my Mom has told me time and time again: Hate is a strong word! And it is.... none-the-less I feel compelled to soothe it, love it and understand it. Where and why has it developed? Has it ingrained itself into our psyche as a way to protect us - protect us from what we fear, from what we do not understand and from what intimidates us and why are we so afraid? I don't believe the impending doom of the saber tooth tiger is to blame for everything.

If we showed more compassion towards hatred would the black and white become more grey? I am curious about those that find happiness in causing pain and wonder if the external reflection provides acknowledgement for the internal strife that that person may be experiencing - some sort of shared experience that tells a person they are not alone. 

If love is the healer and hate is from the hurting how do we love the hurting without being hurt? If you come up with an answer let me know:)

Remember who you are, introduce yourself to yourself if you have forgotten and don't forget that happiness comes and go's - it is okay to not be buzzing everyday - you might just be tired, so get some rest. 

Stand up for yourself, hold others up and let other's speak their truth while maintaining your own, allow conversations to happen - even if they are uncomfortable and accept that all of us are uncovering our own path that holds some sort of truth to the collective. It may not all be pretty and nice but who said life has to be - not all parts are going to be happy but equally not all parts are as serious as we can make them out to be.

Guide of the Inner Galaxy

Memories can stay on replay for a really long time, transitioning through loops, gaps, time lapses but just like planets orbiting - they come back and intersect a space in time. A memory can be a beautiful space, the time of your life... but more often than not, it repeats some sort of message that is seeking resolution. 

I am not sure if all of us go through similar situations and I can only speak from my personal perspective, but if we are all connected in the way it seems, than I imagine most of us would understand this paradox. 

The memories we want to escape can hold our salvation. The salvation of the light is at hand, if we have the courage to sit in the dark, but I am not going to lie - the dark scares the shit out of me. I am not sure if I am scared of the dark or my if it's my imagination - that creative twisted shadow - that lives in my mind only to surfaces in the dark. I don't why this creative monster likes to take the opportunity to scare me when, ultimately, it has to go wherever I go and live with the consequences of our actions - but it does. 

I feel like this Weight of Darkness holds the secret to peace and it is up to me to decipher the meaning of it's madness. 

Memories are: vivid reminders of personal perception and personal interaction, may be meaningless for one while being overwhelming for the other and are subjective. It is difficult to translate the feeling of a particular experience without watering it down to something that barely compares with the original situation. 

I feel like memories live in the senses, are seeded in a particular time but are timeless in their expression. As we learn, observe and explore our past it seems as though particular memories may be the key to unraveling ongoing themes of suffering. 

The more often the thought, the more it needs to be heard. The more aggressive the feeling the more it has been hurt. The more obvious the meaning the more disbelief we have. 

What we say, what we do, what we don't do, how we say something, when we do something, the space and time we leave between reacting and acting - all of this creates pathways and these pathways begin to carve out the way we respond to life. Our memories become our guide. 

Individually, we may not always remember what we have said or done to those around us but "they" might - and it is vital to honour the full experience. We may not like what everyone has to say, or the memories that they have of us, but to dismiss their experience is to dismiss the reality of us beyond ourselves. No one is perfect to everyone but we don't need to be a dick to anyone.