The Shaded Corners.

Transitions in life seem to be moments that allow us to reflect on the path we are on and the path we are about to take - this can be overwhelming, particularly if we are not ready. Whatever ready means. Transitions tend to provide an opportunity to look at a subjective experience objectively while knowing your perspective is subjective. No one really seems to care about your life as much as you do, and that is probably the way it is meant to be. Love may not be withheld, but that doesn't mean we will feel it in moments of lonesome despair. 

Maybe these moments, in life, let us feel the thoughts we never allowed ourselves to think and feel the feelings that we tried so hard to deny. Feelings do not need to be a correct interpretation for them to occur, they are what they are and sometimes they really hurt. We can be surrounded by the sun and still feel as though we sitting in the shadows. 

Why is it that the darkest of experiences reference lack of light and why is that the light makes the heaviest of feelings weigh a bit less? I wonder if to feel the entirety of our life if we need to understand and to accept the reasons why whatever has happened has happened - or if we accept the notion that life isn't fair will that be reason enough to full acceptance? 

Whatever and however we get to where we are going, we seem to get there, and the people we have beside us allow us to see aspects of ourselves and each other in ways that will be surprising. This makes me wonder if we can accept the betrayal from our subconscious expectations? Or at least attempt to tune into reality while taking note of what our expectations are: when we discover them. 

Change is okay, it may not feel okay all the time, and that is understandable. With change comes grief and the adaptation of hope. 

A child is new life, a reminder of the sacred, reflection of the divine and a highlighter of our shadows. Raising life isn't going to be simple, living life wont be effortless, transitions ain't easy, and that is what keeps it colourful. 

Love station

Love is the reason. The feeling that takes over and translates the silent meaning behind the words. Love is that feeling that tries to be described in so many ways, but seems to only be understood when felt. It is that memory, that sensation, that nostalgia or that dream that comes to life for "that" moment. A moment that seems to live forever and is so alive in all of it's senses. 

Love is a bond that connects me to you and hopes for nothing but being able to experience life. Love is such a lovely word and when I think of it I see you. What a day and what a way love was brought to me - through finding freedom I found you. 

Love appears to be the driving force behind us all, peaking through and waiting for it's ability to breakthrough, break-in or breakout - but for whatever reason there is a power and an action that propels it to be felt. Love engulfs the darkness in a blanket of colour, the density of the cloud may be thick but it doesn't go on forever, there is an ending to that wall. The other-side. What luck has given me can only be the 99.9 frequency.

Hungry Hungry Hippo gone Elephante

Great memories and great intuition.. I heard this the other night and it felt like a moment of glory, a moment of recognition. Elephants supposedly have great memories and I have always liked elephants. I imagine that they would have great intuition. Quietly walking through the forest, aware of their surroundings, listening for something out of the ordinary - feeling for something out of the ordinary, protective. I resonate with this also. 

I have heard it could be called vigilance or hyper vigilance and I guess either one works. Being very aware of the life around us but also aware of the life within us and listening to our internal compass - alarm clock. And when that shit start ringing it gets out of control. The problem is deciphering between past experiences and present dangers and being aware of what frequency we presently sit in. 

I am not sure about the elephant but I imagine that their thoughts could be very similar to ours. I can only imagine the stress of protection, looking out for predators but at the same time trying to enjoy the view and the community around them. I wonder if the angst within me is actually the screaming of boundaries.. the wanting to say it the way I see it, not giving a shit if it is right or wrong, but accepting it is real and really living within me. 

Getting it out may reveal the truth while expressing a real truth within this personal perspective.... I wonder if the turmoil that lives inside all of us is a message for someone outside of us? I am curious if part of the personal perspective facilitates the conversation that has needed to be heard by the other -for god knows how long- and we are part-time messengers on their path. Why else would it be so intense? 

Why does that pounding of the heart occur with a single thought? and how does that thought disappear in different environments only to reemerge like the lions in the night. Hungry and stalking. 

When people speak of slaying their demons I don't know if that is the way to go about it... study them, understand their rhythm and stand up for your right to be in the same space as them. As uncomfortable as it may be for some... what are we so afraid of? I really want to know. 

Pain, loss, hurt and the dark - it is all temporary. If we are seeking freedom we cant keep running while at the same time telling ourselves we are free. Liberation feels a lot like making a choice to be free by facing the shit we don't want to see. 

Momma elephant, I got your back and I remember that you wont forget.

U be turning.

As mornings turn into afternoons and the days turn into night, the patterns become very apparent. The cycle keeps on rotating and for every moment we think we have passed, a memory of a moment can creep back into our awareness. We can call these triggers, raw spots, love dots, nostalgia or whatever suits our narrative - but the reminders are there. 

I am curious when it comes to meditation if the observer is very aware of these occurrences and chooses not to get involved, while at the same time not denying the existence. It gets me thinking about the ID, the Ego and the Superego or the speaker, the listener and the observer. 

All aspects are part of the bigger circle but with their own perception and their own role. I wonder if there is a class system in each role where inadvertently one aspect feels that it is the "truer" of the options, or if there is an understanding that they are all equal to the equation. Without one, the answers would be harder to find. 

I guess when it comes to each role there is the value we as people can place on each aspect - what do we as people find more valuable? What do I see as being more virtuous? And when we think of virtue... what is this virtue signaling all about and how did this idea of virtue signalling become what is considered right and wrong? I get so confused sometimes. 

Why does something genuine turn into politics? How long does something stay genuine and authentic for? If we constantly tap on and explain the authenticity of what we are doing, does that make it fake? Is authenticity in the same family as humility? And can humility be loud? I think so. A message can be massive and can be bigger than the person speaking it. I feel that the observer knows this. 

Truth is a weird thing. I feel like it is more then a feeling than anything else - we know when someone is speaking shit... even if we want to believe it as true. When it comes to life, who knows what is going on.... the message keeps changing everyday and these u-turns seems endless and constant - so much so that we stop listening to them and maybe come back to ourselves. The big "They" could be messing with us, but in the long run we will be the ones that come out on the sunny side. 

Maybe the more that we trust ourselves and accept our duality the more we will see. Just like the observer: they have listened, they have talked and now they watch. It may feel weird but I don't mind being the weirdo. The circle continues, day and night.

Sad Shit Silver Lining.

What is this feeling that sits on the chest. The heaviness feels heavy and the weight of it makes me want to cry - but the resistance in me makes me want to overcome and understand the cause of this pressure. It is almost as if letting my tears go will eliminate the feeling, while at the same time acknowledging the truth of what this thing is. I guess that is the scary part: completely understanding what it is. 

True core beliefs, hidden beliefs or misconceptions of what I think other people think. Why do I let the thoughts of other people affect my own? When it comes down to it, their thoughts are theirs and mine are mine. The thoughts of others seem to impact my decisions and I wonder if that is because I want to prove to them I am capable when I already know I am enough. Maybe trying to prove to others is really proving to myself. 

Who knows. But what I do know is this feeling that is sitting with me is not fun, it is not light and it does not make me feel like I want to share it. I want it to be understood but it tells me if I cant share this, sharing joy is just the happy side of one part of all of it. I feel myself wanting to withhold myself and just listen to understand others instead... I cant be bothered trying to explain, I just want to be understood without having to defend what I am experiencing. Just share, no defense. 

I get it though, pain is hard to hear, it can hurt and I don't want to be the cause of someone else's discomfort. I believe that if someone reveals them-self to you it is because they feel safe and they trust you... but I have also come to realize that it is more about them than it is about you. They let it out because they choose too, they can not have it live inside of them anymore - the internal conflict is removed from their private space and shared into the open world to dissipate and become less. 

What I have come to see is that when we remove it from us, take our internal chaos into the world, others can pick up our energy and internalize the process while making it part of their own. With freedom of self can come captivity of others. 

Words matter because, really, in the end its all energy. It is an intimating thing to realize how much power we really have and how we can affect those we love even when we love them with everything we have. Maybe this is why hip-hop is so sweet.. beats, bitching and loving - letting it out while grooving. No hate, just releasing, no expectation to be understood just using the flow to let it go. 

Morning Coffee News

Waking up in the morning to the smell of coffee is one of my favourite things. I am not sure if it is because it reminds me of home, or visits with my friends, or is the symbol of the beginning of something new being guided by something familiar. Whatever the reason - I like it. 

There is something about the ritual that does it to me... I think that coffee in the morning is a true act of being an adult. Maybe the only act of being an adult that resonates with me. Coffee has been an act of friendship, a route of escape, a community of connection and a sign of rebellion to morning sleep ins. Coffee has been a part of my life for so long I really don't know what my life would have looked like without it. 

The act of going for coffee has been a place where my friends would love me while I felt broken, where I could escape to when life was giving me a bag of lemons and coffee was the place I could go to when I needed to hear the murmuring of constant chatter. A place to break the silence or a place to interrupt the whirlwind of my mind. 

I could sit in coffee shops for ages - watching people as they flirted, giggling while people played, feeling the intensity of focused conversation, all the while be in the presence of the scooter squads - listening to their voices hearing their stories. I am not sure if this is real or not, but coffee says to me it is time to think. Time to ponder. 

Ponder about life, who we are, what we are doing and what we think. That, or it is an excuse to sit in silence while listening to the words of others while feeling the buzz of concentrated energy. 

When I think of coffee I feel my best friends, I am taken back to dancing to disco in the morning and running for the bus - dosing my coffee up with sugar and not minding being late for class. I think about about my parents - housecoats, funky hair and sleepy wondering eyes and a pile of coffee cups in the back of the car. I think about morning time smokes and feeling fancy with a cup in my hand and a smoke in my fingers. The image is beautiful the impact on health not so much. 

Coffee represents the repair and rupture of relationships, the love and grief within connection and the show and tell of affection. The amount of coffee that has been bought, the amount of friendship dates, the amount of tears and the amount of laughs over coffee have filled my life to the brim. 

Coffee is the nostalgia that brings me back to Saturday morning meetings where kids would run about as the adults would share and contemplate, coffee is the reminder that a hard days work may be upon us, coffee is the excitement of seeing those we love, coffee is the late night party remedy and the early morning saver. 

Coffee dates have broken hearts and have healed loneliness. When it comes down to it, coffee has lead to me to the wonderful, the majestic, the wild, the out-layers and everyone in between. For this I am thankful and may the coffee be forever served with free refills on this lifelong journey.

Distant Love

All we can be is the best we can be and sometimes that is not enough, but we are always enough. You may notice the difference between the physical and emotional reactions.. noticing is the first step. Feeling it wherever it is. Sometimes, even though all we want to do is help, we may not be able to give the other person what they are looking for. 

Some days we can help and we will be helpful but in the end it is not really about us. We are the messenger, the lesson, the work board. Maybe we are trusted, maybe we will listen the way they need to be heard or maybe we are the place that they process their pain in safety. Not an easy ride. I guess sometimes I wonder what the pattern is and how to understand the dips after the highs. Along with love comes hate... a very strange balancing act. 

When someone can express their undying love there may be moments that they express their deepest pain. That may not be a pretty place. We are allowed to be affected. Some of us can accept things that others can not and that is fair enough. 

I hear you, I feel you but I wont accept being abused by you so watch yourself once you get to know your self. If you want to discover where and who you are and where you want to go. I get it, I wonder too. 

Some of us may watch from a distance, curious of the view. 

Stumbling Talk.

Drunken words are sober thoughts - is something I have heard. 

Supposedly, in ancient Greece people would be punished twice as hard for something they had done while drunk as it was thought that was their true nature being revealed. Vastly different than the sentiment we use now.... "oh, don't worry about that, they were drunk when that happened." 

We don't have to worry about it but we can listen to it and watch it. 

Waking up to the "fear" and an "emotional hangover" seems to be a very real thing.... but what if this is a reaction to having had our "other nature" reveal itself, the part of us that we don't fully want to admit too, and we are a bit scared of the quality of that guy. 

The words that come out of our mouths at anytime are words that have been thought of in our minds. It may not be the truth but it may be a level of present honesty. The part of us that we sense is there but don't fully give allowances too. 

It is interesting to give "that voice" the time to be heard, and under the right circumstances the train of intoxicated thought may allow for some insight to our beliefs, observations and ego. Primarily our Ego - the part of ourselves that protects us from criticism and pain while at the same time producing the defensive and bold statements. 

We may be a good time, we may be a good laugh and we may make a story out of the experience but if we listen long enough we can hear the quiet honesty in the stream of intoxicated consciousness - the true feelings or feeling someone has once had. If we can listen to it without attaching to it and believing their moment of honesty to be the real truth of ourselves we can learn a lot about those around us. 

If we can name the character in front of us and give them the space to engage in a neutral conversation, where they direct the content, maybe they will talk themselves into their own knowledge. 

Be clear, be honest and maintain your boundaries - be strong, be compassionate and let them know if they are speaking utter shit. Just because we listen doesn't mean we agree and just because we don't agree doesn't mean we don't like the person. Sometimes people say weird shit and it is okay to tell them that. 

Memory Farewell.

There are times we get lost in our thoughts - watching and reliving the conversations and times we have spent with others. These moments can circulate around us, we can create our own personal meaning from them and wonder why and how we get in the situations we do. 

Reoccurring themes and reoccurring thoughts resurface. Maybe this means we have not learned what we needed too or maybe this means there is more to learn than we previously thought. 

Emotions are a strange thing - these emotions can lead us to create judgments, fixed ideas and black or white answers to a world that is so grey. 

We can lose those that create sunshine in our lives suddenly and through this be reminded none of us have an infinite amount of time in this current state. 

Some of us may be swimming deep in addiction, living the high life, being sensible, being spontaneous, being safe, being fleeting, being loving or being hateful - but we are all being something and all are something to someone. 

Who do we want to be in our environment, how do we want to express ourselves, how do we express our true nature and why are some of us afraid to love and be loved? 

Why do we have such strong opinions where we are willing to fight those we love? Is it because we want to be heard and acknowledged, finding confirmation that we will be accepted even if our view doesn't fit the mold? Even if we don't agree it doesn't mean either one of us is right or wrong - it means we are different. 

I guess the thing is, we need to see if where we are coming from is from love or fear... if we can truly identify where we are coming from conversations will be much easier. We all deserve a chance to get up and dust ourselves off. We all deserve a chance to have the chance to try something different and we all deserve the chance to express our experience. 

The thing is, we will have to deal with the consequences of what we say and how we say it - we may say or do something that effects someone else and their reaction may be a bit more unexpected than we were thinking. 

If we want to be able to say whatever we want to say - take time to listen to others, it is only fair. 

When you meet those people that bring joy into your life, let them know - they are sharing the goodness of their soul with you and that is a pretty nice gift. Thank you Krishna for bringing the love and adventure. Peace to you.  

Chocolate Covered Learning.

If you want everyone to love you, you have to fall in love with everyone - Sadhuguru. I may be paraphrasing slightly but the meaning is there. I find it amazing that we stumble across something that fits, makes sense and gives that "aha" moment I feel we are all looking for. Never has this thought crossed my mind in such a straight forward way. 

I am not sure if it is the idea of wanting everyone to fall in love with me that makes it a bit uncomfortable at first, but the idea of falling in love with everyone makes perfect sense. How can we expect others to accept us, like us, love us or whatever if we cant like, accept or love others. I mean we may not always like what someone has to say, or what they do or the way they go about things - but we can love. 

Love may be simple but relationships are not always easy - and I wonder if this is because we want to withhold our love as a punishment. 

There are parts of all of us that seek acceptance, community, unity and balance - why can't we be friends? There must be many reasons, and there may be many reasons we like to tell ourselves and to tell others. Reasons take time. Love just is. 

As we unfold our many layers we see the layers in others. We learn a lot about a person by listening to what they are saying. We all tell our secrets someway or another. 

I have realized that people can love you a lot and not like you very much. But hey I used to not like olives and now I love them. What happened? I am not too sure other than I accepted the flavour of the olive knowing that it would never be chocolate and that's cool..... I can enjoy both.

Round About Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is strength. It is a choice that a person makes to free themselves from the trapping of the suffering - the decision that healing comes with letting go. We can sit in the round about of what if's, anger, blame and righteousness forever, but what does that really do to us? Other than becoming the energy of the stories we tell ourselves of why we are right - in what I see as an effort to cover up a sense of loss.

I realized the other day, as I was panicking myself through the "crisis" of paperwork, that I instantly went to a place of  abandonment.... hahaha how and when paperwork has related to feelings abandonment? I have no idea, but there I was swimming in the vastness of worthlessness only to discover that even if I identify my fear it doesn't mean it will go away. BUT... by naming it, it does show me that I can say hi to it and that I can remind myself that I am speaking a whole lot of shit. The reality may be different than what I am thinking. Acknowledgment seems to be a powerful tool. 

We give ourselves clues about why we do what we do and why we do what we have done in the past. 

I have noticed a lot of times we are surviving, protecting ourselves from some perceived or real pain while trying to ignore the reality of our fears. I think we are all used to hearing "we got to face our fears to get over them" and to be honest I never really understood what that meant. Does that mean I have to prepare myself to stand up in the dark, keep the lights off and attack what causes me grief - which is normally my imagination. Do I begin to look at my own mind as the enemy, do I begin to look at myself as the victim in unhealthy relationships, do I start calling other people names? 

All this really seems like to me is an opportunity to cause more pain and confusion. If I start getting mad, getting even, playing tick for tat - does that make me a more balanced person? I don't really think so - it just makes a stronger opportunity to get lost in a bigger round about of paranoia, wondering when and who is going to get me next. 

If I attack my mind, it will fight back, if I attack my community, it will fight back, if I attack anyone - I am pretty sure they are going to fight back, either with bad bad vibes or strong physical retaliation. I am not too interested in being in any of those kind of situations regularly. So what to do? 

I cant say how anyone should do anything but what I think I need to do is:

1. Stand up for myself, other people, the situation when the event is occurring 
2. Be honest when someone asks my opinion 
3. Don't engage in the shit talk - don't be a hater, just because people do things differently doesn't mean either way is the "right" way 
4. remember who I am - what am I about, what are they about and what are we actually trying to do 
5. Don't force anyone to think the way I think and try not to surrender to someone else's thought process because I think it will make them feel better. All our thoughts are valid. 
6. Be kind 
7. Recharge to a higher frequency. As my Uncle says: 99.9 Love frequency baby. 

I believe that one of the best modes to move forward in life, without the heaviness of back breaking bullshit, is to forgive the forgivable and let go the attachment to prickish behaviour. It is okay to be hurt, to be angry and to cry about it - but once the feelings have been expressed move past them, understand them and continue to love for the sake of loving. Forgive ourselves for being stuck on repeat in the loop of unneeded anguish.

If you don't like the frequency your are on, recognize you are somewhere you don't want to be and be grateful you noticed - lift yourself as high as you can and be a booster to those around you, when they to realize they are somewhere they don't want to be. The more space we create the more time we have to respond. This is what I think anyway.

Masking Parade.

Masking only lasts for so long. People begin to notice and a person will get called out, someway or somehow. Funny as shit when that blank mask turns red and the colour drops from the face..... the story drains from the mouth. All this moment really does is teaches the other person that someone may be full of shit... maybe not all of the time, but when it counts. These moments reinforce the "other side" of the story without the "other one" even having to say a word or defend themselves - the proof is written all over the mask. 

Reputations seem to mean a lot to the people that are ruining theirs, but it never really has to be ruined in the first place - I guess the truth can be too hard to digest and a story needs to be created. 

Understandable, for sure - but still, the masking makes the story more dramatic and isn't that what we are usually saying we don't want. No drama. I beg to differ, the actions seem otherwise - drama is what appears to be the "missing" link, the unconscious motivational drive. Drama is creative energy, a surge of emotion, a change of tide, the unexpected, the forbidden, the painful, the surprising, the anticipation. Someone always cries, and the cry that hurts the most is the one from the unassuming victim. 

The louder and more complex the reasoning - the less we believe what is being said. The truth is simple. It may be hard to get too but it is there, and the truth can be hard to admit - no one wants to be mean. 

Well, the majority of us don't want to be thought of as the mean one, anyway. However, we seem to be okay with: doing what we need to do, to get to where we want to get too, while judging others for taking the same route we are taking. 

That is what I don't really understand - the judgement on others for what we are already doing...... oh I see.... we get upset with them as a way to punish the ugly in us. Trippy. 

The problem with all of this is, we are not looking to see the shadow in us. We all got one. Peter Pan showed generations of children to accept the shadow, to try to keep it with us and to mourn it's disconnection from us. We need that aspect of ourselves- we need to understand what is holding us back. We need to accept that the shadow may never go away completely, but with the right amount of light we can be bigger than it and we can begin to play with it. 

Accept the darkness inside of ourselves and apologize to those we hurt. Don't make ourselves out to be the victim if we are actually the conqueror.. it serves no authentic purpose, other than to satisfy our own idea of who we are and what has happened. We can all see through it, we may just not have the energy to help peel off each layer of the mask. 

All in due process, that is in the hands of the beholder.... no one can make us see something we don't want to believe is there. A piece of insight though - your side is one side to many angles and some people will see the dark side of the story far easier due to where they're sitting. Reality is made up the entirety. Be kind, be loving and be willing to listen to the hard stuff.

Everyone Else.

I get lost in trying to understand what is going on and what messages to listen too. I feel that there is an intention to the madness, but there are cycles that take over the preconceived beginnings. I see that there is a message of love, the reality of hate, the hope for community and the strive for independence. What is said is expected of everyone except by the person that is saying it. The intention may be nice, but how can we expect everyone to do something while we do the same thing we have always done? Don't mention that though, otherwise someone will get upset. 

I feel that this fear of upsetting someone, anyone, is stopping us from having the conversation. We don't want to know what our hidden biases are but it is okay to tell "them" what they are hiding from themselves. I don't get it, it doesn't make much sense to me. It is like the person walking down the street not looking up from their phone and they walk into someone, but rather than saying sorry, they shoot a glare at the person they walked into as if to say: "watch where you going".... when all I am thinking is, "they saw you, they know where they are going and what about you? Why aren't you watching where you're going?"

If community requires compromise, understanding, accommodation, observation and accountability we could start by acknowledging and accepting differences. Just because someone is different than you does not make them wrong and just because someone is different than you doesn't make you wrong. Don't do to someone what you wouldn't want done to your loved ones. 

These are my opinions and they work for me... they might not be useful to you and that is cool - figure out what works for you while respecting the souls that surround you. If you are succeeding in your project, awesome. Keep lifting people up rather than criticizing their efforts. If you want to make money, cool, make money - try not to pan it off as something else. There is nothing wrong with wanting something. 

The thing that grinds my gears, and seems to insult my insides, is when I feel what someone is saying is not matching their hearts desire - while at the same time trying to convince me of their honesty. Bullocks. Be honest - it is easier in the long run. 

Listen to what is being said and think about it from their perspective rather than the way you would mean it if you were to say it. Not everyone is you and not everyone is me and that is what makes life a mystery. Science may be able to prove all of this at some point but until then.... it is all magic baby.

Love Let Her.

To think that we have it all figured out everyday is a misconception of how life works. The only thing constant in life is change, and with change comes movement. Change does not have to be grandiose to make a big difference - we can adapt the way we speak, the way we listen, the time we take to get somewhere, the way we eat: we can modify anything slightly. The results can be huge. 

Some of us may leave a few minutes earlier than we had planned only to come across someone in our path that was needing us more than we needed to be where we were. A passing comment can change a person's day, a routine can change our entire day, and as much as we can decide to make small changes we can also decide to do the same thing as we have always done. 

They say you can choose to be involved and I agree. We can choose to give those we love a little more attentive time, we can choose to focus on the thoughts that bring us more peace and we can choose to channel the thoughts we have into any form of action - there may be a compulsion but where is that need coming from? 

I will forever be curious about the seed of life, the seed of thought and constantly wonder where they come from and where they go. 

How and why do these points get triggered in us the way that they do? My Dad has said, a trigger can be a positive thought, a positive memory or a positive experience - a trigger doesn't have to be a shitty reminder. 

The thoughts in life can be hard, habitual, comfortable, frustrating but at the same time when we regain control of ourselves these thoughts can be peaceful, reminiscent and honest. 

Just because we can find Peace doesn't mean that we wont suffer - the more we fear suffering and try to escape from it the more power it really has. Acknowledging the unwanted brings awareness to it and automatically it's power lessens... maybe not right away but over time. Whatever it is has been seen.

I think it is important to take a real look at what drives us and try to understand our motivation, lack of it, and try to identify where "it" comes from. What are we trying to prove, what are we trying to discover and what are we trying to accomplish? Then ask yourself what you are grateful for. 

I am grateful for realizing that there is no end of the line to being in love. I keep falling and cant help but smile by the surprise of how endless it is. I feel very lucky and I am thankful for the Brooks, sun and stars.

Prickly Heat

There may be days that you want to scream and tell "them" to go away (whoever they are) but the words won't come out properly. The mind can start thinking too fast and moving too quickly... worrying that whoever will hear what you have to say will lose the message of what is being said.  

Maybe the situation is a bit weird. Maybe feelings have been hurt or maybe an alternative truth needs to be shared. Maybe baby. Not a problem with you, not a problem with me – but the words may be the problem.

Thoughts, reactions and feelings buzzing around and fighting to survive in the triad of space with nowhere particular to go. Lonely hearts and happy smiles – feeling “that” feeling that is living somewhere inside of us – unaware of it's exact location - but this shit ain't hide and seek. Resurrecting it’s funny little face as if to say “hi..don’t forget about me.”

Don’t worry we can’t.

For those of us that don’t know how to liberate our darkness without being prickly. Be a prick, but be prepared for the consequences of our actions. No issue, just reality. If you need to release that energy – others may match it with the same intensity. Own it. As ugly as it may be. Integrate it all. 

Shadows hide and come out in the perfect combination of light and dark – it is not all bad. The more we hurt the hurt in us the more it believes it has no good and that's no good. That hardness protected us at some point in our lives so recognize the impact it had even if may not be useful anymore - at one point it was.

Remember words can cut, actions can hurt but both can heal. Try not to deny the asshole that lives inside of you, it will just get louder and defend it presence with blame. All of us can blame something but everyone pointing fingers everywhere will lead to fingers pointing back at us so take an honest look and ask questions. Deal with your shit and shit will get real. 

Happy is Lucky.

Happiness is a funny feeling. We may think it "should" always be there, lingering away in the back drop of some activity, in some memory or in some idea but really it is fleeting... cycling along it's path, disrupting our daily routine and injecting our experience with something beautiful. 

Happiness is a reminder that happiness exists - a reboot. The idea that we need to be happy, up, high or ecstatic all the time seems unattainable, unrealistic and kinda exhausting. 

Grateful. I understand gratefulness and appreciation of experience: but happiness, everyday all day in and out, I am just not sure if I feel it. I am okay with experiencing the diversity life has to offer. Through sadness we understand joy, through pain we place value on relief, through love we grasp that more love is needed. 

As my Mom has told me time and time again: Hate is a strong word! And it is.... none-the-less I feel compelled to soothe it, love it and understand it. Where and why has it developed? Has it ingrained itself into our psyche as a way to protect us - protect us from what we fear, from what we do not understand and from what intimidates us and why are we so afraid? I don't believe the impending doom of the saber tooth tiger is to blame for everything.

If we showed more compassion towards hatred would the black and white become more grey? I am curious about those that find happiness in causing pain and wonder if the external reflection provides acknowledgement for the internal strife that that person may be experiencing - some sort of shared experience that tells a person they are not alone. 

If love is the healer and hate is from the hurting how do we love the hurting without being hurt? If you come up with an answer let me know:)

Remember who you are, introduce yourself to yourself if you have forgotten and don't forget that happiness comes and go's - it is okay to not be buzzing everyday - you might just be tired, so get some rest. 

Stand up for yourself, hold others up and let other's speak their truth while maintaining your own, allow conversations to happen - even if they are uncomfortable and accept that all of us are uncovering our own path that holds some sort of truth to the collective. It may not all be pretty and nice but who said life has to be - not all parts are going to be happy but equally not all parts are as serious as we can make them out to be.

Guide of the Inner Galaxy

Memories can stay on replay for a really long time, transitioning through loops, gaps, time lapses but just like planets orbiting - they come back and intersect a space in time. A memory can be a beautiful space, the time of your life... but more often than not, it repeats some sort of message that is seeking resolution. 

I am not sure if all of us go through similar situations and I can only speak from my personal perspective, but if we are all connected in the way it seems, than I imagine most of us would understand this paradox. 

The memories we want to escape can hold our salvation. The salvation of the light is at hand, if we have the courage to sit in the dark, but I am not going to lie - the dark scares the shit out of me. I am not sure if I am scared of the dark or my if it's my imagination - that creative twisted shadow - that lives in my mind only to surfaces in the dark. I don't why this creative monster likes to take the opportunity to scare me when, ultimately, it has to go wherever I go and live with the consequences of our actions - but it does. 

I feel like this Weight of Darkness holds the secret to peace and it is up to me to decipher the meaning of it's madness. 

Memories are: vivid reminders of personal perception and personal interaction, may be meaningless for one while being overwhelming for the other and are subjective. It is difficult to translate the feeling of a particular experience without watering it down to something that barely compares with the original situation. 

I feel like memories live in the senses, are seeded in a particular time but are timeless in their expression. As we learn, observe and explore our past it seems as though particular memories may be the key to unraveling ongoing themes of suffering. 

The more often the thought, the more it needs to be heard. The more aggressive the feeling the more it has been hurt. The more obvious the meaning the more disbelief we have. 

What we say, what we do, what we don't do, how we say something, when we do something, the space and time we leave between reacting and acting - all of this creates pathways and these pathways begin to carve out the way we respond to life. Our memories become our guide. 

Individually, we may not always remember what we have said or done to those around us but "they" might - and it is vital to honour the full experience. We may not like what everyone has to say, or the memories that they have of us, but to dismiss their experience is to dismiss the reality of us beyond ourselves. No one is perfect to everyone but we don't need to be a dick to anyone.

So Many Double U's.

I feel like the mind is another hideout, where thoughts create their own reality -  a reality that becomes the personal life. I wonder if the thoughts an individual has is an unique map where our purpose can be discovered. I am curious why all of us can experience varying levels of the same emotion and why fear is contagious. 

I wonder why one person can tap into another persons reactionary vibration and I wonder if this is emoting empathy or fear. I wonder if what we experience as "someone else's" is actually a trigger for us to master an element of our own personal fear. 

Survival is the reality. How are we meant to move forward? What are we supposed to process? What is important? Why is our survival paramount? What makes the survival of the human race "more important" than other living beings and if we hold ourselves in such high regard why do we not hold strangers to the same esteem? Why is it when we are removed from difficult circumstances do we seem to forget? Is this survival. 

Why is it when we make it to the safe zone do we dismiss the experiences of others and why do we have so many opinions? What makes the mind move so quickly and why do we fixate on particular thoughts? Why is it that some of us like to have routine while others do not and wouldn't both of these circumstances be considered freedom to those that are getting what they need? Why do we judge what we don't understand and why has judgement turned negative? Why are we so concerned about fitting in somewhere? Is this all based in the need to survive. 

If we carry the experiences of our ancestors within us - no wonder we have so many thoughts - possibly these memories are alarmed. Alarmed that we are not hearing what we need to, concerned that we are distracted by the needless and focused on the distraction... or maybe this is how we make sense of our senses and hopefully our process will bring us to surviving in Love.

Owning the shit.

Living never ceases to amaze me. Feelings only seem to intensify - but the ability to witness the feelings becomes a gift. I remember a friend saying to me in the past, "what you are experiencing is theirs: imagine a plug and separate your feelings from theirs." I didn't understand this for years, but now it makes sense.

I used to think that everything I was experiencing was happening within me, that it was my reaction to a situation, or my feelings to what I saw - I now understand that what is happening around me is not always mine, or about me. I started to understand that sometimes we are sensitive to our environment and we can pick up the residue of someone else's reaction or feeling from an experience, that, ultimately, we can re-feel what has already been felt. 

It has been hard for me to be okay with allowing myself space, I was concerned people would feel abandoned or rejected, so I would sit in something that was hurting me - I took on the pain of what I perceived "the" reaction would be. I felt too scared to ask the questions as I was not really prepared for the answers - or maybe I was scared the answers would hurt. 

The feelings of sadness were overwhelming, behind soft smiles I would see sad eyes, through bundles of energy I would feel depletion of hope and through kind words I would feel the need of approval - there were times I would feel angry, wondering why "we", "they" or "us" didn't "know" that we were okay. I wondered why I cared so much about other people's opinions of others and of myself - I didn't understand why it hurt so much to hear the truth. 

I think sometimes the truth tells us what we think the truth is but in reality it may be something we may never take the time to fully understand: lessons to freedom are not the same. What works for you may not work for me and what works for me may be completely absurd to you, but like I have heard "at the end the view is all the same." There are many paths to get to the same place and who am I to judge. 

I think what I am learning now is: to really honour what I feel is my personal power and to recognize the spirit within myself, to be as honest as I can, reflect on my intentions, to see if my actions match my values and to participate in life. Be kinder to ourselves and not so hard on others. 

There will be moments that we get angry, that we get offended, that we are hurt or hurt others but I think the ultimate goal is: for us to look at who we are and own it. What we see in ourselves may not be something we like; however, once we accept what we know to be real we have the power to do something about it. We all know when we are speaking shit.

The Dark Side of Utopia

Scenes of any kind create an atmosphere, they attract individuals from everywhere and provide an environment for us to interact, share and explore. They can be a place where we discover ourselves, become introduced to a new way of living, get lost in a new waves of thoughts and discussions as well as being a place to get lost: an escape. 

Scenes become a culture, a subculture, and allow us to find the place "our place" that we feel comfortable. Be it the music scene, the art scene, the academic scene, the drug scene.... whatever anyone is involved in can be created into some sort of scene. 

These words are labels that we have created to distinguish us vs them, a place where rules may make a bit more sense to us, or signifies an ideology that we assume is everyone else's belief. 

The problem arises when we believe that everyone involved in a particular scene is a particular way. There will be similarities, but we are a diverse group of individuals and individually we are going to have our own take on life, as well the shadow that follows. 

We tend to hide from ourselves what we don't want others to know. There becomes this acceptance of denial, a belief that if we don't recognize what is happening - that it is not happening... or if we don't want to believe what is happening, we wont. Belief is a funny thing - it does not need to be rational. 

When the truth begins to get momentum, recognizing and accepting reality can become a very painful experience, especially when we become so attached to the reality we have created for ourselves. We live on a planet with billions upon billions of experiences and there is no way that our individual view is the "right" view. 

Becoming flexible and accepting to the varieties of experiences is necessary in developing resilience to life itself. When we begin to identify so closely with a scene, a group or a view, we have created a pedestal stating "this, here, is above the norm"... and when that shit falls - we tumble............................. and sometimes we continue to roll into dismay. 

It is important to remember - it is not the scene it is the person. If a person is doing horrible things, that person is the one doing it. The scene lives as a venue, a space and a place to collect people. People are diverse, independent, curious, lost, dazed and confused - but trying to find something. A place to fit in, a place to explore, a place to enjoy. Whatever, we are looking for we will be searching for it in some way. 

I guess, something I have had to accept is: just because one person is doing something for one particular reason does not mean that is the reason everyone is doing that same thing. Not everyone works out for the health benefits, not everyone does drugs to escape, not everyone drinks because they are miserable, not everyone laughs because they think what they heard is funny, not everyone helps because they want too, not everyone is eating because they are hungry.... there are an unlimited amount of reasons why we do whatever we do. 

A difference is made when we ask questions, rather than assume, and when we see it for what it is rather than what we want it to be. Not an easy task. If you find something that allows you to find yourself, give it the respect it deserves, but recognize that you found that place for a reason and not everyone is involved for the same purpose. Protect those you love, help a stranger, be honest and when we see fucked up shit - take a real look at it and say something.