U be turning.

As mornings turn into afternoons and the days turn into night, the patterns become very apparent. The cycle keeps on rotating and for every moment we think we have passed, a memory of a moment can creep back into our awareness. We can call these triggers, raw spots, love dots, nostalgia or whatever suits our narrative - but the reminders are there. 

I am curious when it comes to meditation if the observer is very aware of these occurrences and chooses not to get involved, while at the same time not denying the existence. It gets me thinking about the ID, the Ego and the Superego or the speaker, the listener and the observer. 

All aspects are part of the bigger circle but with their own perception and their own role. I wonder if there is a class system in each role where inadvertently one aspect feels that it is the "truer" of the options, or if there is an understanding that they are all equal to the equation. Without one, the answers would be harder to find. 

I guess when it comes to each role there is the value we as people can place on each aspect - what do we as people find more valuable? What do I see as being more virtuous? And when we think of virtue... what is this virtue signaling all about and how did this idea of virtue signalling become what is considered right and wrong? I get so confused sometimes. 

Why does something genuine turn into politics? How long does something stay genuine and authentic for? If we constantly tap on and explain the authenticity of what we are doing, does that make it fake? Is authenticity in the same family as humility? And can humility be loud? I think so. A message can be massive and can be bigger than the person speaking it. I feel that the observer knows this. 

Truth is a weird thing. I feel like it is more then a feeling than anything else - we know when someone is speaking shit... even if we want to believe it as true. When it comes to life, who knows what is going on.... the message keeps changing everyday and these u-turns seems endless and constant - so much so that we stop listening to them and maybe come back to ourselves. The big "They" could be messing with us, but in the long run we will be the ones that come out on the sunny side. 

Maybe the more that we trust ourselves and accept our duality the more we will see. Just like the observer: they have listened, they have talked and now they watch. It may feel weird but I don't mind being the weirdo. The circle continues, day and night.

Sad Shit Silver Lining.

What is this feeling that sits on the chest. The heaviness feels heavy and the weight of it makes me want to cry - but the resistance in me makes me want to overcome and understand the cause of this pressure. It is almost as if letting my tears go will eliminate the feeling, while at the same time acknowledging the truth of what this thing is. I guess that is the scary part: completely understanding what it is. 

True core beliefs, hidden beliefs or misconceptions of what I think other people think. Why do I let the thoughts of other people affect my own? When it comes down to it, their thoughts are theirs and mine are mine. The thoughts of others seem to impact my decisions and I wonder if that is because I want to prove to them I am capable when I already know I am enough. Maybe trying to prove to others is really proving to myself. 

Who knows. But what I do know is this feeling that is sitting with me is not fun, it is not light and it does not make me feel like I want to share it. I want it to be understood but it tells me if I cant share this, sharing joy is just the happy side of one part of all of it. I feel myself wanting to withhold myself and just listen to understand others instead... I cant be bothered trying to explain, I just want to be understood without having to defend what I am experiencing. Just share, no defense. 

I get it though, pain is hard to hear, it can hurt and I don't want to be the cause of someone else's discomfort. I believe that if someone reveals them-self to you it is because they feel safe and they trust you... but I have also come to realize that it is more about them than it is about you. They let it out because they choose too, they can not have it live inside of them anymore - the internal conflict is removed from their private space and shared into the open world to dissipate and become less. 

What I have come to see is that when we remove it from us, take our internal chaos into the world, others can pick up our energy and internalize the process while making it part of their own. With freedom of self can come captivity of others. 

Words matter because, really, in the end its all energy. It is an intimating thing to realize how much power we really have and how we can affect those we love even when we love them with everything we have. Maybe this is why hip-hop is so sweet.. beats, bitching and loving - letting it out while grooving. No hate, just releasing, no expectation to be understood just using the flow to let it go. 

Morning Coffee News

Waking up in the morning to the smell of coffee is one of my favourite things. I am not sure if it is because it reminds me of home, or visits with my friends, or is the symbol of the beginning of something new being guided by something familiar. Whatever the reason - I like it. 

There is something about the ritual that does it to me... I think that coffee in the morning is a true act of being an adult. Maybe the only act of being an adult that resonates with me. Coffee has been an act of friendship, a route of escape, a community of connection and a sign of rebellion to morning sleep ins. Coffee has been a part of my life for so long I really don't know what my life would have looked like without it. 

The act of going for coffee has been a place where my friends would love me while I felt broken, where I could escape to when life was giving me a bag of lemons and coffee was the place I could go to when I needed to hear the murmuring of constant chatter. A place to break the silence or a place to interrupt the whirlwind of my mind. 

I could sit in coffee shops for ages - watching people as they flirted, giggling while people played, feeling the intensity of focused conversation, all the while be in the presence of the scooter squads - listening to their voices hearing their stories. I am not sure if this is real or not, but coffee says to me it is time to think. Time to ponder. 

Ponder about life, who we are, what we are doing and what we think. That, or it is an excuse to sit in silence while listening to the words of others while feeling the buzz of concentrated energy. 

When I think of coffee I feel my best friends, I am taken back to dancing to disco in the morning and running for the bus - dosing my coffee up with sugar and not minding being late for class. I think about about my parents - housecoats, funky hair and sleepy wondering eyes and a pile of coffee cups in the back of the car. I think about morning time smokes and feeling fancy with a cup in my hand and a smoke in my fingers. The image is beautiful the impact on health not so much. 

Coffee represents the repair and rupture of relationships, the love and grief within connection and the show and tell of affection. The amount of coffee that has been bought, the amount of friendship dates, the amount of tears and the amount of laughs over coffee have filled my life to the brim. 

Coffee is the nostalgia that brings me back to Saturday morning meetings where kids would run about as the adults would share and contemplate, coffee is the reminder that a hard days work may be upon us, coffee is the excitement of seeing those we love, coffee is the late night party remedy and the early morning saver. 

Coffee dates have broken hearts and have healed loneliness. When it comes down to it, coffee has lead to me to the wonderful, the majestic, the wild, the out-layers and everyone in between. For this I am thankful and may the coffee be forever served with free refills on this lifelong journey.

Distant Love

All we can be is the best we can be and sometimes that is not enough, but we are always enough. You may notice the difference between the physical and emotional reactions.. noticing is the first step. Feeling it wherever it is. Sometimes, even though all we want to do is help, we may not be able to give the other person what they are looking for. 

Some days we can help and we will be helpful but in the end it is not really about us. We are the messenger, the lesson, the work board. Maybe we are trusted, maybe we will listen the way they need to be heard or maybe we are the place that they process their pain in safety. Not an easy ride. I guess sometimes I wonder what the pattern is and how to understand the dips after the highs. Along with love comes hate... a very strange balancing act. 

When someone can express their undying love there may be moments that they express their deepest pain. That may not be a pretty place. We are allowed to be affected. Some of us can accept things that others can not and that is fair enough. 

I hear you, I feel you but I wont accept being abused by you so watch yourself once you get to know your self. If you want to discover where and who you are and where you want to go. I get it, I wonder too. 

Some of us may watch from a distance, curious of the view. 

Stumbling Talk.

Drunken words are sober thoughts - is something I have heard. 

Supposedly, in ancient Greece people would be punished twice as hard for something they had done while drunk as it was thought that was their true nature being revealed. Vastly different than the sentiment we use now.... "oh, don't worry about that, they were drunk when that happened." 

We don't have to worry about it but we can listen to it and watch it. 

Waking up to the "fear" and an "emotional hangover" seems to be a very real thing.... but what if this is a reaction to having had our "other nature" reveal itself, the part of us that we don't fully want to admit too, and we are a bit scared of the quality of that guy. 

The words that come out of our mouths at anytime are words that have been thought of in our minds. It may not be the truth but it may be a level of present honesty. The part of us that we sense is there but don't fully give allowances too. 

It is interesting to give "that voice" the time to be heard, and under the right circumstances the train of intoxicated thought may allow for some insight to our beliefs, observations and ego. Primarily our Ego - the part of ourselves that protects us from criticism and pain while at the same time producing the defensive and bold statements. 

We may be a good time, we may be a good laugh and we may make a story out of the experience but if we listen long enough we can hear the quiet honesty in the stream of intoxicated consciousness - the true feelings or feeling someone has once had. If we can listen to it without attaching to it and believing their moment of honesty to be the real truth of ourselves we can learn a lot about those around us. 

If we can name the character in front of us and give them the space to engage in a neutral conversation, where they direct the content, maybe they will talk themselves into their own knowledge. 

Be clear, be honest and maintain your boundaries - be strong, be compassionate and let them know if they are speaking utter shit. Just because we listen doesn't mean we agree and just because we don't agree doesn't mean we don't like the person. Sometimes people say weird shit and it is okay to tell them that. 

Memory Farewell.

There are times we get lost in our thoughts - watching and reliving the conversations and times we have spent with others. These moments can circulate around us, we can create our own personal meaning from them and wonder why and how we get in the situations we do. 

Reoccurring themes and reoccurring thoughts resurface. Maybe this means we have not learned what we needed too or maybe this means there is more to learn than we previously thought. 

Emotions are a strange thing - these emotions can lead us to create judgments, fixed ideas and black or white answers to a world that is so grey. 

We can lose those that create sunshine in our lives suddenly and through this be reminded none of us have an infinite amount of time in this current state. 

Some of us may be swimming deep in addiction, living the high life, being sensible, being spontaneous, being safe, being fleeting, being loving or being hateful - but we are all being something and all are something to someone. 

Who do we want to be in our environment, how do we want to express ourselves, how do we express our true nature and why are some of us afraid to love and be loved? 

Why do we have such strong opinions where we are willing to fight those we love? Is it because we want to be heard and acknowledged, finding confirmation that we will be accepted even if our view doesn't fit the mold? Even if we don't agree it doesn't mean either one of us is right or wrong - it means we are different. 

I guess the thing is, we need to see if where we are coming from is from love or fear... if we can truly identify where we are coming from conversations will be much easier. We all deserve a chance to get up and dust ourselves off. We all deserve a chance to have the chance to try something different and we all deserve the chance to express our experience. 

The thing is, we will have to deal with the consequences of what we say and how we say it - we may say or do something that effects someone else and their reaction may be a bit more unexpected than we were thinking. 

If we want to be able to say whatever we want to say - take time to listen to others, it is only fair. 

When you meet those people that bring joy into your life, let them know - they are sharing the goodness of their soul with you and that is a pretty nice gift. Thank you Krishna for bringing the love and adventure. Peace to you.  

Chocolate Covered Learning.

If you want everyone to love you, you have to fall in love with everyone - Sadhuguru. I may be paraphrasing slightly but the meaning is there. I find it amazing that we stumble across something that fits, makes sense and gives that "aha" moment I feel we are all looking for. Never has this thought crossed my mind in such a straight forward way. 

I am not sure if it is the idea of wanting everyone to fall in love with me that makes it a bit uncomfortable at first, but the idea of falling in love with everyone makes perfect sense. How can we expect others to accept us, like us, love us or whatever if we cant like, accept or love others. I mean we may not always like what someone has to say, or what they do or the way they go about things - but we can love. 

Love may be simple but relationships are not always easy - and I wonder if this is because we want to withhold our love as a punishment. 

There are parts of all of us that seek acceptance, community, unity and balance - why can't we be friends? There must be many reasons, and there may be many reasons we like to tell ourselves and to tell others. Reasons take time. Love just is. 

As we unfold our many layers we see the layers in others. We learn a lot about a person by listening to what they are saying. We all tell our secrets someway or another. 

I have realized that people can love you a lot and not like you very much. But hey I used to not like olives and now I love them. What happened? I am not too sure other than I accepted the flavour of the olive knowing that it would never be chocolate and that's cool..... I can enjoy both.