Love is the reason. The feeling that takes over and translates the silent meaning behind the words. Love is that feeling that tries to be described in so many ways, but seems to only be understood when felt. It is that memory, that sensation, that nostalgia or that dream that comes to life for "that" moment. A moment that seems to live forever and is so alive in all of it's senses.
Love is a bond that connects me to you and hopes for nothing but being able to experience life. Love is such a lovely word and when I think of it I see you. What a day and what a way love was brought to me - through finding freedom I found you.
Love appears to be the driving force behind us all, peaking through and waiting for it's ability to breakthrough, break-in or breakout - but for whatever reason there is a power and an action that propels it to be felt. Love engulfs the darkness in a blanket of colour, the density of the cloud may be thick but it doesn't go on forever, there is an ending to that wall. The other-side. What luck has given me can only be the 99.9 frequency.
Great memories and great intuition.. I heard this the other night and it felt like a moment of glory, a moment of recognition. Elephants supposedly have great memories and I have always liked elephants. I imagine that they would have great intuition. Quietly walking through the forest, aware of their surroundings, listening for something out of the ordinary - feeling for something out of the ordinary, protective. I resonate with this also.
I have heard it could be called vigilance or hyper vigilance and I guess either one works. Being very aware of the life around us but also aware of the life within us and listening to our internal compass - alarm clock. And when that shit start ringing it gets out of control. The problem is deciphering between past experiences and present dangers and being aware of what frequency we presently sit in.
I am not sure about the elephant but I imagine that their thoughts could be very similar to ours. I can only imagine the stress of protection, looking out for predators but at the same time trying to enjoy the view and the community around them. I wonder if the angst within me is actually the screaming of boundaries.. the wanting to say it the way I see it, not giving a shit if it is right or wrong, but accepting it is real and really living within me.
Getting it out may reveal the truth while expressing a real truth within this personal perspective.... I wonder if the turmoil that lives inside all of us is a message for someone outside of us? I am curious if part of the personal perspective facilitates the conversation that has needed to be heard by the other -for god knows how long- and we are part-time messengers on their path. Why else would it be so intense?
Why does that pounding of the heart occur with a single thought? and how does that thought disappear in different environments only to reemerge like the lions in the night. Hungry and stalking.
When people speak of slaying their demons I don't know if that is the way to go about it... study them, understand their rhythm and stand up for your right to be in the same space as them. As uncomfortable as it may be for some... what are we so afraid of? I really want to know.
Pain, loss, hurt and the dark - it is all temporary. If we are seeking freedom we cant keep running while at the same time telling ourselves we are free. Liberation feels a lot like making a choice to be free by facing the shit we don't want to see.
Momma elephant, I got your back and I remember that you wont forget.
As mornings turn into afternoons and the days turn into night, the patterns become very apparent. The cycle keeps on rotating and for every moment we think we have passed, a memory of a moment can creep back into our awareness. We can call these triggers, raw spots, love dots, nostalgia or whatever suits our narrative - but the reminders are there.
I am curious when it comes to meditation if the observer is very aware of these occurrences and chooses not to get involved, while at the same time not denying the existence. It gets me thinking about the ID, the Ego and the Superego or the speaker, the listener and the observer.
All aspects are part of the bigger circle but with their own perception and their own role. I wonder if there is a class system in each role where inadvertently one aspect feels that it is the "truer" of the options, or if there is an understanding that they are all equal to the equation. Without one, the answers would be harder to find.
I guess when it comes to each role there is the value we as people can place on each aspect - what do we as people find more valuable? What do I see as being more virtuous? And when we think of virtue... what is this virtue signaling all about and how did this idea of virtue signalling become what is considered right and wrong? I get so confused sometimes.
Why does something genuine turn into politics? How long does something stay genuine and authentic for? If we constantly tap on and explain the authenticity of what we are doing, does that make it fake? Is authenticity in the same family as humility? And can humility be loud? I think so. A message can be massive and can be bigger than the person speaking it. I feel that the observer knows this.
Truth is a weird thing. I feel like it is more then a feeling than anything else - we know when someone is speaking shit... even if we want to believe it as true. When it comes to life, who knows what is going on.... the message keeps changing everyday and these u-turns seems endless and constant - so much so that we stop listening to them and maybe come back to ourselves. The big "They" could be messing with us, but in the long run we will be the ones that come out on the sunny side.
Maybe the more that we trust ourselves and accept our duality the more we will see. Just like the observer: they have listened, they have talked and now they watch. It may feel weird but I don't mind being the weirdo. The circle continues, day and night.
What is this feeling that sits on the chest. The heaviness feels heavy and the weight of it makes me want to cry - but the resistance in me makes me want to overcome and understand the cause of this pressure. It is almost as if letting my tears go will eliminate the feeling, while at the same time acknowledging the truth of what this thing is. I guess that is the scary part: completely understanding what it is. True core beliefs, hidden beliefs or misconceptions of what I think other people think. Why do I let the thoughts of other people affect my own? When it comes down to it, their thoughts are theirs and mine are mine. The thoughts of others seem to impact my decisions and I wonder if that is because I want to prove to them I am capable when I already know I am enough. Maybe trying to prove to others is really proving to myself. Who knows. But what I do know is this feeling that is sitting with me is not fun, it is not light and it does not make me feel like I want to share it. I want it to be understood but it tells me if I cant share this, sharing joy is just the happy side of one part of all of it. I feel myself wanting to withhold myself and just listen to understand others instead... I cant be bothered trying to explain, I just want to be understood without having to defend what I am experiencing. Just share, no defense. I get it though, pain is hard to hear, it can hurt and I don't want to be the cause of someone else's discomfort. I believe that if someone reveals them-self to you it is because they feel safe and they trust you... but I have also come to realize that it is more about them than it is about you. They let it out because they choose too, they can not have it live inside of them anymore - the internal conflict is removed from their private space and shared into the open world to dissipate and become less. What I have come to see is that when we remove it from us, take our internal chaos into the world, others can pick up our energy and internalize the process while making it part of their own. With freedom of self can come captivity of others.
Words matter because, really, in the end its all energy. It is an intimating thing to realize how much power we really have and how we can affect those we love even when we love them with everything we have. Maybe this is why hip-hop is so sweet.. beats, bitching and loving - letting it out while grooving. No hate, just releasing, no expectation to be understood just using the flow to let it go.
Waking up in the morning to the smell of coffee is one of my favourite things. I am not sure if it is because it reminds me of home, or visits with my friends, or is the symbol of the beginning of something new being guided by something familiar. Whatever the reason - I like it. There is something about the ritual that does it to me... I think that coffee in the morning is a true act of being an adult. Maybe the only act of being an adult that resonates with me. Coffee has been an act of friendship, a route of escape, a community of connection and a sign of rebellion to morning sleep ins. Coffee has been a part of my life for so long I really don't know what my life would have looked like without it. The act of going for coffee has been a place where my friends would love me while I felt broken, where I could escape to when life was giving me a bag of lemons and coffee was the place I could go to when I needed to hear the murmuring of constant chatter. A place to break the silence or a place to interrupt the whirlwind of my mind. I could sit in coffee shops for ages - watching people as they flirted, giggling while people played, feeling the intensity of focused conversation, all the while be in the presence of the scooter squads - listening to their voices hearing their stories. I am not sure if this is real or not, but coffee says to me it is time to think. Time to ponder. Ponder about life, who we are, what we are doing and what we think. That, or it is an excuse to sit in silence while listening to the words of others while feeling the buzz of concentrated energy. When I think of coffee I feel my best friends, I am taken back to dancing to disco in the morning and running for the bus - dosing my coffee up with sugar and not minding being late for class. I think about about my parents - housecoats, funky hair and sleepy wondering eyes and a pile of coffee cups in the back of the car. I think about morning time smokes and feeling fancy with a cup in my hand and a smoke in my fingers. The image is beautiful the impact on health not so much. Coffee represents the repair and rupture of relationships, the love and grief within connection and the show and tell of affection. The amount of coffee that has been bought, the amount of friendship dates, the amount of tears and the amount of laughs over coffee have filled my life to the brim. Coffee is the nostalgia that brings me back to Saturday morning meetings where kids would run about as the adults would share and contemplate, coffee is the reminder that a hard days work may be upon us, coffee is the excitement of seeing those we love, coffee is the late night party remedy and the early morning saver. Coffee dates have broken hearts and have healed loneliness. When it comes down to it, coffee has lead to me to the wonderful, the majestic, the wild, the out-layers and everyone in between. For this I am thankful and may the coffee be forever served with free refills on this lifelong journey.
All we can be is the best we can be and sometimes that is not enough, but we are always enough. You may notice the difference between the physical and emotional reactions.. noticing is the first step. Feeling it wherever it is. Sometimes, even though all we want to do is help, we may not be able to give the other person what they are looking for. Some days we can help and we will be helpful but in the end it is not really about us. We are the messenger, the lesson, the work board. Maybe we are trusted, maybe we will listen the way they need to be heard or maybe we are the place that they process their pain in safety. Not an easy ride. I guess sometimes I wonder what the pattern is and how to understand the dips after the highs. Along with love comes hate... a very strange balancing act. When someone can express their undying love there may be moments that they express their deepest pain. That may not be a pretty place. We are allowed to be affected. Some of us can accept things that others can not and that is fair enough. I hear you, I feel you but I wont accept being abused by you so watch yourself once you get to know your self. If you want to discover where and who you are and where you want to go. I get it, I wonder too. Some of us may watch from a distance, curious of the view.
Drunken words are sober thoughts - is something I have heard. Supposedly, in ancient Greece people would be punished twice as hard for something they had done while drunk as it was thought that was their true nature being revealed. Vastly different than the sentiment we use now.... "oh, don't worry about that, they were drunk when that happened." We don't have to worry about it but we can listen to it and watch it. Waking up to the "fear" and an "emotional hangover" seems to be a very real thing.... but what if this is a reaction to having had our "other nature" reveal itself, the part of us that we don't fully want to admit too, and we are a bit scared of the quality of that guy. The words that come out of our mouths at anytime are words that have been thought of in our minds. It may not be the truth but it may be a level of present honesty. The part of us that we sense is there but don't fully give allowances too. It is interesting to give "that voice" the time to be heard, and under the right circumstances the train of intoxicated thought may allow for some insight to our beliefs, observations and ego. Primarily our Ego - the part of ourselves that protects us from criticism and pain while at the same time producing the defensive and bold statements. We may be a good time, we may be a good laugh and we may make a story out of the experience but if we listen long enough we can hear the quiet honesty in the stream of intoxicated consciousness - the true feelings or feeling someone has once had. If we can listen to it without attaching to it and believing their moment of honesty to be the real truth of ourselves we can learn a lot about those around us. If we can name the character in front of us and give them the space to engage in a neutral conversation, where they direct the content, maybe they will talk themselves into their own knowledge.
Be clear, be honest and maintain your boundaries - be strong, be compassionate and let them know if they are speaking utter shit. Just because we listen doesn't mean we agree and just because we don't agree doesn't mean we don't like the person. Sometimes people say weird shit and it is okay to tell them that.
